“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner
Like many of you, I have looked back on the past five years and wondered how we got to this
point. Having gone through a global pandemic and an unpredictable social/political landscape, it is no wonder the general population’s well-being is suffering. There has even been a term coined for this type of uncertainty – “Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU).” Researchers have long debated how to define IU, however to put it simply, IU is “a dispositional fear of the unknown”(Carleton, 212).
Most of us have experienced a range of discomfort from uncertainty. Will I do well on this test? Can I trust my partner? Am I good enough? With time, we may receive answers to these questions, however some questions may remain unanswered. How do we cope with the unknown? When working with clients weighed down by uncertainty, I like to start by asking, “What are you most afraid of happening?” Sometimes saying the scary thing out loud takes away its power and allows clients to confront their fear or anxiety head on.
Next, I like to focus on where my clients feel they have the most control. It can be easy to
become so focused on what we cannot control that we forget what we can. For example, you
may not be able to control how a loved one behaves, however you can control how you
respond to the behavior. This may be in the form of a boundary – a consequence for their
behavior.
What are some ways in which you can cope ahead? Having a plan or setting up
accommodations prior to an uncertain situation can help you approach it with more ease.
Clients of mine who struggle with social anxiety may feel reluctant to participate in a social
situation due to the uncertainty involved in doing so. As such, I might encourage them to
choose social events that have a structured activity or a set end time. It may also be helpful to gather as much information about the event to approach it with more ease. For example, are there details about the event that would be helpful to know beforehand (e.g., an agenda)?
It is also important to recognize that you are often not alone. Uncertainty is a universal
experience. I am often asking my clients to think of people in their lives with whom they feel
most themselves and to reach out to them as needed. More often than not, their loved ones
are also feeling uncertain and are grateful for someone to reach out to them too.
And finally, pouring ourselves into projects or striving towards goals that give us meaning or
purpose can be a great place to start when everything else feels unclear. I frequently have
clients think about their values – interpersonal relationships, leisure, career, personal growth,
health, etc. Once we have outlined what is most important to them, we can use them as a
“map” for creating meaningful goals. Our tolerance for uncertainty varies person to person and from one circumstance to another. However, one thing we can be certain of is that uncertainty is here to stay. What we do to cope
with it is up to us!
References:
Carleton, R. N. (2012). The intolerance of uncertainty construct in the context of anxiety
disorders: theoretical and practical perspectives. Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics, 12(8),
937–947. https://doi.org/10.1586/ern.12.82
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Written by Dr. Molly Shmerling, licensed psychologist and contractor at EK Counseling, LLC. Molly specializes in working with executive functioning struggles and runs our virtual skills group for executive functioning. Additionally, she works with mood issues, relationship struggles, midlife career transitions, self-worth, and disordered eating/body image issues. To book an appointment with Molly, please contact ekerr@ekcounseling.com or please call to schedule an appointment.
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